New Moon: Revamped
by lunamoon2012
Summary: So, this is a parody of the break-up scene in New Moon. I had done this for my English class and I got an A. Italian dressing, Alice annoying, Carlisle's face bright red, Edward crying...?


[Bellas Point of View]

Ever since my birthday party-which I thought was a blast, I mean who wouldn't want a blood thirsty empath who is a vampire thirsting after your blood because I am a clutz-Edward has been off, throwing his bagels at passing students at lunch. Not even pretending to eat it, let alone tear it up and shove the pieces under the table. Then there is Alice who looks like she is going to cry, or kill Edward every waking moment of the day.

I have tried to ask him countless times what's wrong, but he just turns his head to me sticks his tongue out, blows raspberries at me, and turns away. It hurt I cried so many times, has he stopped liking me? Or does my blood suddenly not appeal to him? Like a pregnant woman liking pickles and ice cream for the whole pregnancy and suddenly is revolted by it when the baby is born? It hurt so much I cried into my pillow every night and ate buckets and buckets of Italian dressing on its own.

Did Edward have a baby? I think I need to ask Carlisle. I'm gonna call him. Taking my phone, I scroll down my contacts list. "Alice, Angela, Ben, Edward, Emmett," I mutter as I scroll through the list and shout out triumphantly when I get to the name I want "Aha! Hottie McSteamy Doctor." I select and hear it ring, and it is answered almost instantly.

"Bella? Why are you calling? Are you okay?" The questions tumbled out. "Did you fall out of your moving truck again? Do you need an ambulance? I'm sending one right now, okay? Don't move. Don't try to get up, you may have a concussion. Just stay where you are."

My face went like this: -_-

"No Carlisle, I'm okay." I sighed and my voice trembled when I asked him my impossible theory. "Carlisle… Did Edward have a baby?"

You couldn't see it but Carlisles face was like this on the other line: O_O

"Noooo…." He drew out. "Bella, did you hit your head? He is a male, and a vampire so that is not possible. Get some mental help. You need it." And he hung up on me.

I cried out and punched a locker in anger, the roof collapsed on me. The roof falls on me all the time so don't worry. I am A-okay! I crawled out of the rubble and drove home, a sense of foreboding settled around me. So I turned up the haunted house soundtrack that was playing in my new stereo, and I stated headbanging. Oh, God, I _love_ headbanging. I got dizzy pretty fast and I don't need to be anymore impared then I already am so I stopped and turned into my driveway.

Edward was standing there with a baloon, that had "This is my baby" written on it. I knew it. So he _did_ have a baby. How dare he not tell me!

I went to get out of my truck, but I fell face first into my driveway and broke my nose. "I'm okay," I say thickly, I hold up my finger as a pause to fix my nose and set it back into place. It stopped bleeding instantly. A bright smile lit up my face when I say, "Much better, why are you here Edward?"

"I wanna talk," He mumbles out. "Lets go into the woods so I can leave you there alone soon."

"Okie dokie," I skip off after him and he stops about ten miles into the woods, I was panting heavily from all the skipping I had done. Wowee, am I fit! "Watcha wanna talk about Edward, my one true love whom I have only known for just a few little months?"

"I'm breaking up with you." He says while pinching his nose, he does that a lot. Like, does he have some sinus infection? O_O Oh my God... I kissed a dude with a sinus infection.

I heard my heart shatter. It sounded like bacon cooking. ...Odd...

"Bu-… But you belong with me," I whimper out.

Suddenly out of nowhere the song 'You Belong With Me' starts playing, and we look around wildly.

"Alice," Edward groans, "go home, I am going to break her heart and I want to do it alone, go home."

Alice skips out from behind a tree her face like this: 8D

I began to silently question her sanity, but the current breaking-up came back to my mind.

"Why Edward?" I was openly crying, the sobs racking my frame. "I LOVE YOU!"

"It's too late, I found someone else. See, I like blondes better." He smirked

My face went like this: D': Then I got mad.

[Edwar'd Point of View]

Okay, so I was searching the Internet a few days ago, and I found this picture of some girl named Hillary Clinton. Mmm-mmm... Smexy.

I licked my lips, but remembered Bella was standing in front of me, crying. Why was she crying? Oh yeah. We just broke up.

"Bella, don't cry," I say, but she turns away from my outstretched hand.

"What's the point? So I can have a bunch of tears inside me? No, Edward. That's not okay. I don't want to have an ocean of sadness inside of me." She stumbles away and trips on her shoelace.

"Just do me one favor while I'm gone," I say. "Don't be clumsy."

"You've been telling me that for ages," she says. I roll my eyes.

"Fine," I scoff, "don't listen to me. Die. I don't care." And then I flit away, intending on never seeing the clutzy girl of my old dreams ever again, ever.

"I HATE YOU,"

[Bella's Point of View]

I sighed, trying to make my way through the forest, but I think I was going in the entirely wrong direction. Though I knew this, I didn't turn around.

I bawl as I stumble over my shoe like I had done in front of _him_ just a few minutes ago.

"THAT STUPID HEART BREAKER!" I scream. "HE DESERVES TO FALL INTO A VOLCANO AND GET SPEWED BACK OUT SO _HE_ KNOWS HOW IT IS TO BE REJECTED BY SOMETHING SUPER SCORCHING."

I paused, going like this: O_O

Because I have no idea where that came from.

I let myself cry a few more tears, but I soon stopped because I saw a nice, shiny rock. It was so beautiful. It made me want to cry.

So I did. Again.

I cry for a few more minutes and then it suddenly got really dark. I feel scared..

Maybe I should sleep. Maybe... Maybe mom will enter my dreams and come take reality away from me for a little.

I shrug. Charlie's a cop. Charlie is good at finding stuff. Like this one time, he found his keys and they were under the couch cushion.

I lay down on the ground and fall asleep, thinking, _Charlie will find me._

***********Some unsaid time later***********

[Edwards Point of View]

Edward was sitting on the couch while Alice was twirling about; watering the roses Esme had placed EVERY-FREAKING-WHERE around the house in another bout of her OCD.

"What the heck, Alice? I was acting like a butt-kissing moron so that Bella could think that I didn't love her anymore! Now I just sound like a pompous meanie-butt."

Alice rolled her eyes. "First of all, I can't believe you said 'butt-kissing moron' and 'pompous meanie-butt.' Secondly, Eddie, I couldn't stand watching Bella get verbally abused like that! She's, like, my _sister. _And why'd you guys have to go and break up?" She sniffed theatrically.

"Well, whatever! God, you ruin _everything_." He _hated_ having a little sister.

They walked out into the Cullen's garage because Esme had placed yet another rose plant in the Porsche.

_I wonder what it's like to die. Maybe I should just go kill myself,_ Edward thought with a melancholy sadness.

And then he ran out of the garage, only to be attacked by Emmett who knocked Edward to the ground roughly.

"I saw foresaw that, Ed," Alice called from the garage.

"Heeeey, big boy," Emmett said, punching Edward's arm playfully. "How'd the break up go, Sir Whiney Pants?"

"Shut up, you stupid R-tard," Edward said, not taking a joke like the buffoon he was.

"Dude, you look really sad." His observational side suddenly disappeared and his insensitive self returned. "Wait! Who broke up with whom? *laughs* let me guess. It was totally reversed. She broke up with you and you couldn't believe it?"

Edward's brows furrowed and he frowned indignantly. "NO! She called me a soulless corpse," his voice broke on the word 'corpse.' "You know what it's like? It's like hearing 'You soulless ginger' on South Park and listening to the prepubescent South Park characters laugh about it! GINGERS HAVE SOULS!" He cleared his throat and continued, "And Bella told me to go die with my butt monkey?"

He looked confused. "Butt monkey?"

Edward's eyes grew wide. "You don't want to know."

Alice rolled her eyes and came outside of the garage with the watering can. "You are over exaggerating. She said nothing about a butt monkey and you know it. That's just something you've been sensitive about since you were half a century old."

Edward felt a tear roll down his cheek.

"Man!" Emmett hollered at him, punching his shoulder roughly again. "You really _are_ crying! I never thought I'd live to see the day."

Edward turned away quickly and wiped at his eyes angrily. "I AM NOT!"

"Yeah-huh."

"NO!"

"Yeah."

"Am not."

"Y-"

"Look, Emmett, are you just going to be a jerk your whole life? Or are you actually going to grow up for once?" Edward asked, turning around once his eyes were nearly dry.

"SHUT UP, YOU TWO. SERIOUSLY!" Alice screamed.

Emmett just smiled and shook his head at Edward like a mother scolding a child. Edward growled, trying to sound menacing.

Suddenly, the rest of the Cullen's appear.

Esme was holding a rose. "Edward, this is going to be bad. You're going to go all emo on us because you can't live without her. You know it."

"I know, Mom," he sighed.

"Yeah, Eddie. You know within the next three hours she will either bash up the radio in her car or jump off a cliff or do something as equally damaging to her soul."

Jasper looked confused. "How could bashing up her radio damage her soul?"

Alice gave him a _look_. "_Emmett_ bought her that radio. If she destroys it..." Alice trailed off.

"NOT THE RADIO I BOUGHT HER!" Emmett cried out as if he were in physical pain.

"God! That dirty little..." Edward stopped himself before he said something he would regret. "SHE TOLD ME TO-"

"Edward," Carlisle said, placing a hand on his oldest son's shoulder, "you were saying before you had no soul. And we are technically undead, so she does have a point."

Edward whined and whimpered, "But Carlisle!"

Carlisle became an inexplicable dark shade of red. "THAT'S DOCTOR CARLISLE TO YOU, SONNY!" He then calmed himself down and said in a measured voice, "Don't, son."

Edward turned around and tried to run, but headed smack into a tree. _Oh, the joys of living in Forks._

"Wow, aren't you special? Did you catch Bella's disease of Clumsy-itis?" Emmett wheezed out in his laughter.

"SHUT UP. WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP? THIS IS _MY _PROBLEM," Edward shouted in his fury and embarrassment. Rosalie hissed from all the loudness. Edward was just a pain in the butt if you asked her.

Edward turned around and ran to Texas.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Stupid spaz."


End file.
